Tuesday, March 16, 2010


The plans we make for projects, for life; what we expect verses what occurs is never parallel. I planned to continue on explaining my relationships past. However, here came life.

I originally began this literative escapade to allow me to work through a situation in my life I had to put into words in order to deal with the pain. Words have always been my refuge. Even as a little girl, I found that the best way for me to handle things in my life over which I had no control, but affected me, was to write. I had to process the circumstances I was facing in my own terms. Some people seem unable to understand this; see this as me being weak and obsessive. However,I believe that people often are against things that they themselves cannot comprehend. I have to process my emotions, deal with the pain, put a logical order to it all. Others are scared to embark on a journey like this as it means they must face what they've been running from, avoiding. I tried that. Just makes me crazier than I already am.

More recently, this collection of words I utilized in attempts to bring myself back to my own version of sanity was necessary because of a choice I had no idea would affect me as it did. I could not scream, force, activate any sort of closure in my most recent, incredibly intense relationship. I was dealing with a sorrow unlike any I had experienced.

I contacted Jake, through an impersonal message on a social site regarding a particular situation that was relevant to my current life that I was concerned about; especially considering the extent of his lies. It was short, to the point and required a simple response.

I have reached out to him other times in the last few months. Not as someone who wants a relationship or wishes to rekindle feelings, but as a woman who was left standing clueless, without real answers to the reason why this man she thought could potentially be a real part of her life disappeared without explanation.

Apparently, my most recent question struck a chord with not only Jake, but his girlfriend as well.

I, once again, woke up and began my morning with communication from a grown woman playing the part of a fool. She wrote to me. She mimicked my words, my soul I had not only put into sentences, but also chosen to share.

Not sure what led her to this blog, but I know she found and read it all by her own accord.

She informed me to stop contacting him. That every message received from me set back their relationship. In her mind, no conversation Jake and I would have would assist in the healing process. She asked me to leave them alone to "explore their journey".

I am a fairly reasonable, prideful woman. However, the relationship with Jake had take me out of every comfort zone, every rule I've attempted to follow.

I refused to ignore her message and her attempt to once again control the situation that Jake refused to be man enough to handle. And I told her so.

There was no reason for her to be reading the correspondence, or lack thereof, between Jake and me. If he desired to face the situation and completely discontinue contact, he should be more than capable do to so for himself. He should be able to provide an explanation for the bridges he burned.

In my response, I went on into more detail-more than I should have, I'm quite sure.

I did not expect a response.

I was sitting at Chili's in the middle of my workday when I felt my phone vibrate. The text I received threatened to reveal a "secret" Jake was sure would affect me and my life. I informed him his threat had no merit. I have no shame. The people in my life, family and friends, know more about me than most could imagine. I told him he could attempt to slander me in whatever fashion he pleased.

We went on to share unpleasantries, the details of which do not matter.

What matters is the fact that I am free from the emotional ties into this relationship. I had struggled, cried, prayed through these emotions that came from the end of Jake and me. The unanswered questions, lack of explanations.

I have always said it is much easier to be angry at someone than to miss them.

Thank you so much Jake. I thank you for your blindness, your immaturity, your hatred, your inability to comprehend how mature adults process emotions and for being someone for me to fall so hard for that I was not sure I could pick myself up.

But I have. And I realize I am surrounded by blessings. From the man still in my life after my foolish choices, my friends who will do anything and everything for me, from showing up in the middle of the night to listen to me rant to those that buy me too many shots of Tequila, to my family that has no choice but to support me, but does in an amazing, loving way.

It takes a journey to the center of emotional Hell to understand not only how incredibly dysfunctional individuals can be, but also how worthwhile it is to make the right choice, to be the good person, to the tell truth even when it hurts.

1 comment:

  1. Wow. I'm not even sure how to respond to this one. Very real.....raw......wow.

    Your last paragraph is something to live by, for sure. It IS worth it and I wish we didn't have to be innocent bystanders while men take years too long to learn that lesson. I'm eternally grateful though, that I chose to learn and understand many years ago and ran like HELL from someone who had no interest in doing the same. I'm glad you're running away too.